so today is might be the worst day I ever have the past four years…
I cannot cry as loud as I want because I have to act strong and put a smiling face in front of everyone.. well, my brother saw me cry, but only him…

maybe some of you who had read my introduction post know already that I have a grandmother living with us here…
and I’ve been living with her for sixteen years of my life before finally we moved into my parent’s house…
and as much as I want to scream to God, as much as I want to protest to Him, as much as I want to question why the time flying so fast, why everything happened in the wrong time, why I have to regret over the same thing twice…
I have to accept the reality

She had forgotten me by now

and the first time she asked “Who are you?” to me, I feel like “this is it” as my mom had told me before that she has forget things
but the next second, it hit me hardly and harshly
I grown up with her, I live with her for over than 17 years, she’s the one who take care of me while I was away from my parents, she’s the one who sees me grow up

this morning she’s still alright
this morning she still remember me

this afternoon she became very weak
this afternoon she became very sad for peeing on her pants and I just like shrugging it off when mom told me that

this hour she could only laying down
this hour she doesn’t even remember me

today might be the worst day
not only because I was judged with egg-allergic, not only because I hurt my toe that it was bleeding inside, not only because I almost fell down from the stairs at home
but also because i practically lost the most important person after my late grandfather

She’s not only a grandmother for me
she’s also my debate match
she’s also my Chinese teacher
she’s also my guardian
she’s also my mother
she’s also my best company that I would feel lonely without


sunny summer, cloudy autumn, snowy winter and bloomy spring
i have those sunny days, under the sun, behind the umbrella
walking through the dusty road, holding hands
the cloudy autumn, you bought me raincoats
telling me to be careful walking through the slippy road
the winters were cold, but you put blankets around me
you made me the hot pot and we put the Christmas tree on
I shouldn’t be afraid, because you’re beside me
holding me tight, guiding me forward
so I would be well prepared for the bloom of the spring
so I would be well prepared to face the new life
sunny, autumn, winter and spring
You would be still reminded here

I know I am not a good grand daughter like how you want me to be
I know I am lout and rude, opposite the one you want me to be
but please keep it in your deepest part of heart

that I will always love you

I cherished every moments we have together



p.s. the wall is broken, the tears storming down